Life & Love

A Letter to 2020: Chasing My Light

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Dear 2020,

What a wild ride you have been. Looking back on the blogs this year, all five that I managed to write (or sob through a voice recording of), I was reminded that January started with such promise and intention. By April, I was living in darkness that was swallowing me whole, and yet, I wrote two blogs out of desperation to find some ray of light through a little gratitude practice. By the end of June, I finally released that darkness in a blog, not realizing at the time that doing so would lead me back to my light.

It would free me. Indeed, writing somehow always does.

So, I could not let this year end without writing a letter to show gratitude for 2020. I know, I know. That sounds crazy coming from someone who was, at the beginning of this year, telling it to go suck a big fat YOU KNOW WHAT. But, gratitude is still my word for 2020, except now, it’s not something I’m forcing. It’s something that just flows within me every day.

Because I’m here. And here is so motherfucking good.

So, here’s to you 2020. I know I kicked and screamed for a while, but we made it.

thank you for…

Thank you for reminding me that every situation that presents itself is an opportunity for growth. That defeat is not an option for me. It never was and it never will be.

Thank you for protecting me so damn vigorously from someone who was so clearly never meant for me. Thank you for knowing this, as I was too blind to see. Thank you for pushing me past that place of darkness and disbelief. In doing so, you ridded my life of someone who walked so easily in dishonesty, as if it was his best only pair of shoes. On that note, thank you for reminding me about the qualities that I do and don’t want or deserve in a life partner.

Thank you for teaching me what it truly means to protect my energy. Not everyone deserves to occupy space in my life. Misery really does love company, and I refuse to let others share theirs with me.

Thank you for putting Taylor Swift in the creative space she’s been in to gift us with two absolute lyrical masterpieces in less than 6 months. And thank you for all the other albums that served as the soundtrack to my year. I’m looking at you John Legend, Sam Smith, Alicia Keys, Ariana Grande, Dua Lipa, and Ellie Goulding.

Thank you for providing the perfect setting to reconnect with myself, at a most fundamental level. Destin is home away from home and I’m so proud of the life I have created for myself, all in the name of personal growth.

Thank you for reminding me how much I love to dance. My living room and kitchen have seen more booty shaking and twerkin’ than any night club in DC ever did.

Thank you for bringing Elise Joan and her innovative Barre Blend program into my life. Her unique blend of ballet, Pilates, cardio, yoga, and many other fitness disciplines, coupled with her infectious energy, have taught me what it really means to defy my limits. Through this daily practice all year long, I now understand what it means to listen to my body. That relationship with something I resented for so long has been the most transformational experience.

Thank you for making bras something that I fully intend to leave in 2020. And on that note, living in leggings this year has been next level… so good looks on that.

Thank you for keeping myself, my family, and my closest friends healthy. I know that not everyone can say the same this year.

Thank you for providing opportunities to connect with all the friends who have shown up for me in various ways this year. I couldn’t possibly list them all, but I have no doubt they know who they are.

Thank you for so organically reintroducing me to someone from my past. Not only has this connection brought me tremendous support during such a heavy year… it has reminded me of the ability for humans to grow and evolve. That maybe our past and our present can intertwine in a positive way. It was a beautiful realization to match such a beautiful connection.

Thank you for every heartbreaking and gut-wrenching story that filled our newsfeeds and called so many to stand up, find their voice, and say: no fucking more. I feel change coming. Of course, I am still fearful of the deep hatred that exists within so many, but I am more hopeful of the undeniable truth that love will always win.

Thank you for showing me that the only way to live this life is by chasing the light. Day in and day out. No matter how dark it gets. More importantly, thank you for teaching me that the light is mine. It is within me. And for me to ever suggest that it came from or because of another is an absolute fallacy – a mistake I will never make again because of you 2020. Truly, thank you.

And of course, thank you for reminding me that I always will be…

FEATURED IMAGE BY: Courtney Hedger
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